I know we’re only two months into 2020 and it’s not really fair of me to have a favorite book already, but I was so enthralled with this book that I willingly spent hours walking at the gym just so I could listen to it. I am not much of a gym rat, so that is saying something.
What is this magical book, you ask? It’s called You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, and it’s written by journalist Kate Murphy. While I checked out the audiobook from my library through the Libby app, the print version of this book would be just as good, and part of me wants to check it out again to highlight parts that stood out.
You’re Not Listening is a book about the importance of actually listening to the people in your life. I thought I was actually a pretty good listener before I finished this book, and I think most of us have an inflated opinion of how well we listen to each other. I soon realized I can be a much better listener –and that it’s going to take some work.
Part of the problem, Murphy explains, is that we have so many ways for people to express themselves today. Because we can all indulge in soliloquies on social media or send videos to people whenever we want, we have forgotten that we also have to listen to what the people around us are saying. We also have to make an effort to look at the person we’re speaking to and not be distracted by a phone or a long to-do list.
One of the most fascinating parts of this book was the chapter about silence and how our discomfort with it makes us jump in when we really should be listening. Because I am introverted and work from home most of the time, I crave a quiet home and don’t mind sitting in silence for hours. I know most people don’t enjoy this (and don’t get this luxury).
However, I find I am less uncomfortable with pauses in conversation when they happen, and this book made me more determined to stop jumping in immediately when someone stops talking. I always appreciate the people who listen without an immediate solution or opinion, because I know they are trying to understand what I’m feeling.
The chapter also reminded me of something that really frustrates me in my church. The first Sunday of each month is called “testimony meeting,” and it’s a chance for anyone to stand at the pulpit and share their feelings about God and other parts of their religion. I’ve been in meetings where someone stood and said they “couldn’t handle the silence anymore” (because no one had shared anything for a few minutes).
Another time, I left furious because a leader had closed a meeting I was in charge of early because he didn’t want people to sit in silence anymore. Silence is how people process their feelings and figure out what they’re going to say. If you jump in whenever there’s a pause, you stop people from forming ideas and opinions. I have tried to teach my kids that it’s healthy to be quiet and to sit in silence with nothing to do sometimes.
I also loved the chapter on deciding NOT to listen, because you do get that choice. Murphy points out, however, that you must be careful using this choice, because listening is how you make another person feel loved and understood. We’ve all been in that situation where someone is checking their phone or watch or looking around the room while you’re talking. It makes you feel like you don’t matter.
I could go on and on about this book, but you really should just check it out from the library or buy it and read it yourself. If you give it a shot, drop me a comment! I’d love to hear what you thought.
