7 ways to protect your children from abuse

I’m well aware that this is a blog about reading and writing, NOT a parenting forum. However, I’ve had a feeling for a few months now that I should share something very personal, and I’m hoping it may help someone else in a similar situation.

My oldest brother, just two years younger than me, was sexually abused as a child by a family friend. This is not my story to tell, so I won’t share more about that, but he has shared his own story publicly this year and has been open about the many ways it has affected him.

Twenty-plus years ago when this happened, we didn’t talk about abuse the way we do now. We didn’t have tons of online resources and opinions from psychologists and physicians about ways to prevent it and warning signs to look for. We didn’t have training sessions at church about keeping kids safe.

Abuse is absolutely devastating to everyone involved, and I unfortunately know far too many people who’ve also been abused or have family members suffering from its effects. I worry about my own children, and I worry about the children they go to school and church with.

If you’re like me, though, preparing your kids for lots of situations can ease your mind. Here are some suggestions for preventing child abuse.

Use the real names for body parts and discuss them without embarrassment

There was a time in my life when someone said the word “penis” and it made me blush — and I’m willing to hazard a guess that some of you still feel that way. It’s time to get over the fear of using the proper anatomical terms, especially with your kids. My husband and I have used the real names for our boy/girl twins’ genitals since they were potty training. As a result, they are comfortable telling us if certain body parts are itchy or sore. One day, my then-4-year-old son told me I was squishing his penis when I buckled him into his car seat, and I immediately adjusted it!

Is it weird to hear little kids using the proper names for private body parts? Maybe at first it will be, but it helps your kids be comfortable with their bodies and comfortable explaining EXACTLY what they’re feeling. It also normalizes discussions about how the body works.

Don’t force your kids to hug or touch other people

I am a HUGE believer that you are in control of your body and that it will tell you when something is wrong. Kids can sense tension and may feel uncomfortable around certain people for a reason, or they may just be feeling shy at the moment. No matter what’s going on, make sure your kids know they don’t have to give a relative a hug or kiss goodbye. Teach them to be in tune with their feelings, and don’t force them to offer physical touch — even if YOU want a hug from them or someone else expects it.

I do always makes sure my kids say hello or goodbye when someone is leaving, but I let them decide whether they want to offer a hug. If they don’t want to, I don’t force it or say anything more.

Trust your own intuition

Just like with your kids, pay attention to your gut reactions. If you have a bad feeling about someone or something just feels strange when they’re around, get out of the situation. Don’t let them take care of your kids or touch them or even talk to them if you don’t feel comfortable. Mom intuition is a real thing (and I’m not a dad, but I’m sure that’s a thing, too).

If this person is a teacher or you’re in another situation where you can’t just pick up your kids and run out, stick around to see what happens. If you still have a bad feeling after staying with your kids for a while, trust yourself and figure out a new teacher or place for your family.

Make sure your kids know they can tell you anything

I have two 5-year-olds, so obviously I have not yet encountered the junior high/high school phase where kids become sullen and refuse to talk to their parents. I’m not sure what I’ll do at that point. However, I have tried to be better at spending one-on-one time with my kids and making sure they know I notice the things that make THEM unique. I’m also working on more open-ended questions to get them to talk. Instead of saying “How was school?” I’ll ask “What was your favorite part of school today?” My cousin asks her kids to share “roses” and “thorns” every night before bed, and I like this idea for opening up dialogue, too.

I think the biggest way to make sure your kids are comfortable talking to you is hiding your embarrassment or annoyance or judgment and just listening. Sometimes kids (and adults) don’t want advice. They just want to talk about something and know you won’t get upset with them or try to solve their problem. I lose patience easily (especially at bedtime), so I’m working on this one.

Watch what your kids are doing with their phones and tablets

I know this is a controversial topic because parents want to be connected to their kids and make sure they can contact them in an emergency. I do have a really strict stance on electronics in my home, though. My kids never get to play with my phone, and they never watch anything online without my husband or me showing it to them.

Do I want to give my kids independence online? Absolutely! However, my kids are too young to know how to safely use a phone or tablet and not come across disturbing images or accidentally pull up the wrong site. This is a separate discussion and one you can find tons of better resources on, but I absolutely believe that pornography is connected to child abuse. Even little kids who see explicit images can become confused about their bodies, and adults can use these images to manipulate and abuse children.

Your kids WILL see things you don’t want them to see. I know this will happen to my own kids within a few years. But I can talk to them about online safety, keep an eye on what they’re doing, and protect them as best I can.

Teach your kids positive body image and respect for others’ bodies

I grew up in a culture that focused WAY too much on dress and appearance, especially for women. Leaders of my church wrongly taught girls that they needed to cover up because “the boys can’t control themselves” or “they’ll get the wrong idea about you.” This kind of thinking perpetuates abuse, and it needs to stop. Men and women are both in control of their bodies and their thoughts. It is NEVER OK to justify abuse based on the way someone was dressed or the way they looked.

I believe the way you dress sends a loud message. However, I’m focusing on teaching my kids to dress in a way that flatters their bodies, makes them feel confident, and lets them be comfortable running and playing. I also want to teach them that all shapes, sizes, and colors are beautiful.

Have difficult conversations with your kids early

Andrew and I decided way before our kids were born that we would talk to them early about sex. Right before they started kindergarten, I checked out It’s Not the Stork! A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends from the library and read it with my kids. It was a fantastic introduction to the differences between boys and girls, human anatomy, and an age-appropriate explanation of where babies come from.

While my kids are really young, I still think it’s important to answer questions honestly as they come up and talk to them about how their bodies work and what will happen as they get older. I used to dread the “sex talk,” and honestly, I don’t anymore. Because I already use correct anatomical terms with my kids and they feel comfortable using them, I don’t feel embarrassed or awkward about explaining this to them. It feels like a natural extension of what we’ve always talked about.

This is a hard topic, but it’s one I think we need to talk about more often. Share your thoughts and ideas about protecting kids in the comments!